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DON'T GET OLD!
6/12/2007 7:42:50 AM
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A very
elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great
looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after-shave,
presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, about mid eighties.
The gentleman
walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and
says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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An elderly gentleman
had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and
the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed
the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to
the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be
really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I
haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"
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Two elderly
gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one
turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of
aches and pains. I know ; you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim
says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my
pants.
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An elderly couple
had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives
left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and
one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I
would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of
the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is
the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's
red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied
the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name
of that restaurant we went to last night?
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Hospital
regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted
he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules
being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I
asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's
still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital
gown."
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Couple
in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup,
the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start
writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV,
the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he
asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think
you should write it down so you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it
down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl
of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain
you'll forget that,
write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't
need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and
whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the
kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands
his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
Where's my toast ?"
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A
senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting
married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good
looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too
well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church
mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the
world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still
drive!"
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Three
old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one
says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer
."
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A
man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four
thousand dollars, but it's state of the art It's perfect." "Really," answered
the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
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Morris,
an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the
doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his
arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great,aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I
said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
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A
little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied,
"Arthritis."
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