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Doesn't get any better than this !!
Beth

                              Grins
 
Live to be 100
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When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move
to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her
doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was
doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts,
that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to
start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied,
"Anyone who's 99."

-----

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all
out -- caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry
for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they
will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of
the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a
wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the
clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will
probably not make the party at all. The woman is very
disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children
herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys
doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he
swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in
the air.

She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is
doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing.
Do you think your friend would consider repeating this
performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY
WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

-----

One of my students could not take my college seminar final  exam
because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the
following week."

That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to
another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted.

"I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.

By now I was suspicious.  "How can you have so many people you
know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.

"I don't know any of these people," he said.  "I'm the only
gravedigger in town."

----- 

A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters
became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who
took them out.

But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's
prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all
the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."

-----                   

          Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
              You don't want to press your luck.

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