For The Kids... What do Scotsmen eat? Tart'n'pie! What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon? The full moon because it's lighter! What town in England makes terrible sandwiches? Oldham! What would you call theft in Peking? A Chinese takeaway! What animals are on legal documents? Seals! What did you get for christmas? A mouth organ, its the best present I've ever had. Why? My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it! Where do tadpoles change? In a croakroom! When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom? Because there are no pupils to see! Why did the teacher put the lights on? Because the class was so dim! How did Vikings communicate? By norse code! Teacher: How much is half of 8? Pupil: Up and down or across? Teacher: What do you mean? Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0! What is a forum? Two-um plus two-um! What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar? The bartender said "Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits here"! Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with other people! What's the witches favourite pop group? Broomski Beat! What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party? No one moved, they couldn't stir without her! What is evil and ugly on the inside and green on the outside? A witch dressed as a cucumber! Why does Dracula have no friends? Because he's a pain in the neck! How can you tell when a witch is really ugly? When a wasp stings her it closes his eyes! Q: What does a bee get at McDonalds? A: A humburger! Q: What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea? A: A bee in a submarine! Q: What's more dangerous than being with a fool? A: Fooling with a bee! Q: What did the spider say to the bee? A: Your honey or your life! Q: Who is a bee's favorite painter? A: Pablo Beecasso! Q: What did the bee to the other bee in summer? A: Swarm here isn't it! Q: What is a bee's favorite classical music composer? A: Bee-thoven! Q: Who writes books for little bees? A: Bee-trix Potter! Q: Where do bees go on holiday? A: Stingapore! Q: What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him? A: He's bee-witched! Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian? A: He felt funny! Q: What's striped and bouncy? A: A tiger on a pogo stick! Q: What is the cat's favorite TV show? A: The evening mews! Q: How can you get a set of teeth put in for free? A: Smack a lion! Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs? A: Hailing taxi cabs! Q: How is cat food sold? A: Usually purr can! Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head? A: A tiger moth! This woman wanted to marry a ghost. I don't know what possessed her! Have you heard about the good weather witch? She's forecasting sunny spells! Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)! How do witches tell the time? By looking at their witch watches! What was the Californian vampire hippy like? He was ghoul man, real ghoul! What happens if you see twin witches? You won't be able to see which witch is witch! Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween? It was for "tick or tweet"! What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off? Ban-she Ban-she! What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day? A coffin break! Why did the baby witch smile when she came out in blotches? Because it was an 'appy rash! Why was the little boy unhappy to win first prize for the best costume at the Halloween party? Because he just came to pick up his sister! Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson? He thought he would give him a paunch! Why did the witch wear a green felt pointy hat? So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen! What has six legs and flies? A witch giving her cat a ride! What has handles and flies? A witch in a dustbin! Why don't cannibals eat weathermen? Because they give them wind! What is evil and ugly and bounces? A witch on a trampoline! Why did the witch put her broom in the wash? She wanted a clean sweep! What are little ghosts dressed in when it rains? Boo-ts and ghoul-oshes! How does a vampire like his food served? In bite sized pieces!