Soothe Your Nerves: An Aha Moment In My Struggle With Anxiety
By Suzette Hinton
I have been reading a book, the first I've ever seen of its kind in fact, named Soothe Your Nerves: The Black Woman's Guide to Understanding and Overcoming Anxiety, Panic, and Fear. Though books have served as self-illumination and a sense that I am not alone in my struggles, there have only been a few books that have fit my life like a second skin. Soothe Your Nerves ranks up there with those few. Not only did the title grab my attention but as I looked at the front of the book, I knew it was exactly what I was looking for. The terminology, iridescent of the era I grew up in, and the relevance to my current struggle set the book apart from any of the others of that genre. Further, throughout my reading, my head and spirit have nodded in agreement with the author's familiarity and perceptions.
With the exception of one other book, Love Is A Choice, no other book has had such profound relevance to my current experience. Oprah calls it an Aha moment.
One such Aha moment was when I read about the origin of the Strong Black Woman concept--“This ability to rise against overwhelming odds” discussed by the author. I must tell you, though I’ve strived to be “strong,” it’s been brutal. Tears were frowned upon as weakness or pitiful unless they were during worship. Taking it a step further, at some point you had to stop crying and start doing the holy dance; otherwise the church mothers would start pleading the blood over you and coaching you to repeat their praiseworthy declarations. “Hallelujah!” They would clap their hands while shouting “thank you, Jesus” and “glory” until you stopped that crying.
Sidebar, some good soul cleansing and relief from anxiety happened during some of those praise sessions. Still, there were other times when I felt more exhausted and frustrated afterwards than uplifted.
Maybe those times were indicative of another condition Dr. Neal-Barnett calls scrupulosity. “Rosalie let people believe she was a prayer warrior rather than admit she was at war with prayer,” says the author. Maybe this was why I felt so exhausted and fatigued after an altar prayer or tarrying session. It wasn’t that prayer isn’t a proven way of alleviating anxiety, but when you are fighting your distress trying to use prayer as a weapon yet doubtful of your own ability to effectively use the weapon it only increases your feelings of despair, powerlessness, worthlessness and inadequacy. It’s actually a form of obsessive compulsive disorder. Until I read this book, I had no idea.
Another compelling section was “the witch riding you.” This was a big Aha for me. Heretofore, I had never ever heard of this description though the symptoms frequented my childhood. For you see, the witch riding you is when you wake up from a slumber with your heart racing, can’t catch your breath, a tingly feeling and sweating. It also manifests itself during the time right before falling asleep or right as you are waking up. The latter is what I experienced most. Not a night went by where I wasn't afraid of the dark. I’d toss and turn, covering my head with the covers in hopes of blocking out my fears. Prior to an episode, I’d feel like a thickness or some presence was in my room.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I was tormented throughout my childhood well into my adulthood. The experiences were so traumatic that during college, I slept with a night light. Even when I'd tell myself that I was safe and cut off the lights, the darkness would evoke those feelings of panic. It wasn’t until I got married and slept in the same bed with my husband that I felt safe in the darkness. But this was tied to feeling safe with my husband near. When he’d stay up later than me or was away from the home, however, I'd struggle with the same panic.
When did it stop? It wasn’t until I truly embraced God’s love for me that I was able to have a peaceful sleep--with the lights off. As a result, the room can be pitch dark and I still feel safe. I relish the solitude and intimacy I feel with God when I turn out the lights. And though I still struggle with being strong, I no longer struggle with scrupulosity or the witch riding me.
Suzette R. Hinton, SAC-I, Certified Life and Mentor Coach, Counselor and Mother. Graduate of CANA, Inc. (http://www.CoachingInstituteofNorthAmerica.com) and Founder of Purposeful Connections (http://www.purposefulconnections.com). Suzette believes that purpose is not only a destination but it is the energy that pushes us toward its fulfillment.
"Getting to Know Anxiety" is a wonderful e-book, presented by TC4Women to learn more visit: http://stains.thecorner4women.com/anxiety/
FOR MORE INFORMATIVE ARTICLES ON ANXIETY PLEASE VISIT
http://health-center.thecorner4women.com
John Elliott aka Oaky Wood & Luella May