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For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A stripey sweater!
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
She's got that down in the mouth look!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
A peeping tom!
Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas?
Because he has sandy claws!
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
'Pleased to eat you.'!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
Frostbite!
What is a French cat's favorite pudding?
Chocolate mousse!
How do you save a drowning mouse?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Where do hamsters come from?
Hamsterdam!
What's a mouse's least favorite record?
What's up Pussycat!
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?
Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker!
What happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog?
He ran off with some bones and didn't leave him with a leg to stand on!
Where does the werewolf sit in the cinema?
Anywhere he wants to!
How do ghosts like their drinks?
Ice ghoul!
What's a skeleton's favorite pop group?
Boney M!
Why do vampires like school dinners?
Because they know they won't get stake!
Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night?
He was a numbskull!
Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck 'er!
Q: What is a polygon?
A: A dead parrot!
Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera?
A: The parrots of Penzance!
Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?
A: A firequaker!
Q: What is a parrot's favorite game?
A: Hide and Speak!
Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!
Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor?
A: 'The pheasants are revolting'!
Q: What is the definition of Robin?
A: A bird who steals!
Q: When is the best time to buy budgies?
A: When they're going cheap!
Why doesn't the sea spill over the earth?
Because it's tied!
Who was the Black Prince?
The son of Old King Cole!
Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything?
No, what about him?
Now he's trying to invent something to hold it in!
Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit?
So he could tell the time at night!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
A snowball!
Where does a general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!
Why did the burglar take a shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway!
What kind of fish can't swim?
Dead ones!
Why do polar bears have fur coats?
Because they would look silly in anoraks!
Little Monster: I hate my teacher.
Mother Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!
"What's the matter with your dinner?"
"Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I've eaten!"
Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood, he had to walk 7 miles to school everyday.
Well he should have got up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else!
Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?
Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!
Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age?
Pupil: The sausage!
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm
How boring for you!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel
That's shocking!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a python
You can't get round me just like that you know!
What do baby witches play with?
Deady bears!
How do you make a witch float?
You take two scoops of ice cream, a glass of coke and one witch...!
What does a witch enjoy cooking most?
Gnomelettes!
How do warty witches keep their hair out of place?
With scare spray!
When can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb?
You can hear their brooms tick!
Why are witches fingernails never longer than 11 inches?
Because if they were 12 inches they'd be a foot!
What do you call a pretty and friendly witch?
A failure!
What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day?
Turns over a new leaf!
What is the definition of a caterpillar?
A worm in a fur coat!
What has stripes and pulls a tractor?
A caterpillar tractor!
What does a cat go to sleep on?
A caterpillow!
What's green and dangerous?
A caterpillar with a machine gun!
What pillar doesn't need holding up?
A caterpillar!
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