My Campaign Speech
by Nick Sym
My fellow Adlanders, we face a time of great crisis: the crisis that I might not get elected. Do not sit idly by while this threat rears its ugly, un-Adlander head. Give me your votes right now to ensure that this very real risk never happens.
What can you expect if Nick Sym is elected? I promise to enact long-overdue rule; we will finally have a legal guarantee that every Friday is casual Friday. All Adland bathrooms will be stocked with plumeria air freshener because plumeria smells wonderful and Americans have every right to smell wonderful things. I will also see to it personally that our boss, Bogdan gets a wedgie, and it will be both painful and embarrassing.
And what if you elect one of my opponents? Adland under my opponent will be a very ugly place indeed: criminals will leave milk out in the sun to rot and stink, wolves will wander loose in the streets, and hard-working, tax-paying citizens will all gain a minimum of ten pounds. That’s not the America I want. Think of our children and our children’s children.
Remember, election day is not only about the votes I get; it’s also about how many people vote for my opponent. So it’s important for you, as my true supporters, to find people who plan to vote against me and kill them. Democracy must prevail!
I have no fancy campaign promises or devious smear tactics; I’m just a simple, down-home guy who likes adorable puppies, Mom’s apple pie, and conveniently-timed tax breaks. I also like eating family dinners, having good, clean fun in a non-threatening fashion, and, of course, freedom. I support everything you support. I oppose everything you oppose. Remember: a vote for me is a vote for you.
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