Health Benefits of Teddy Bears

Before my wife and I got married, I had no idea that some adults
maintain very strong attachments to their childhood teddy bears.

It wasn't long before I realized that Margaret had very real feelings of
affection for her two favorite bears: Snuffles (a brown grizzly) and
Mika (a pink polar bear).

I have to admit, it wasn't long before I started to enjoy having
Snuffles and Mika around, especially in the evenings when we would lie
in bed and talk about how our day went. As silly as it might seem,
Margaret has two distinct voices and personalities for Snuffles and Mika
that really bring them to life.

Now, instead of seeing two cute and lifeless teddy bears on our bed, I
see two important and charismatic members of our growing family. :)

Sometime last year when I told Margaret that a busy week at our clinic
had me scrambling to write a health article for our weekly newsletter,
within about an hour, I received an article via e-mail entitled "Health
Benefits of Teddy Bears."

I enjoyed it so much that I wanted to include it in our newsletter, only
to have Margaret protest in horror. "It was only a joke, just to make
you laugh!"

Well, I just came across "Health Benefits of Teddy Bears" as I was
cleaning out my e-mail folders, and this time, without her consent, I am
throwing it up here on our blog.

Whether you have a teddy bear in your life or not, I hope that you find
the following article to be as amusing as I do. Enjoy!

***

Health Benefits of Teddy Bears
By Snuffles and Mika Kim

For the past century, teddy bears have enjoyed immense popularity among
the young at heart. What many people underestimate is the positive
effect these bears have on your health. Not only do teddy bears make
wonderful sleep time companions, they are also effective in alleviating
many chronic health conditions such as anxiety, depression, insomnia,
obesity, flatulence, and ear wax build-up.

Contrary to popular belief, teddy bears do not only come in the colour
brown. There exist black, white, red, pink, and even blue bears.
However, brown is the traditional colour and is what people seem to be
most familiar with. No matter what the colour, teddy bears are
beneficial for your health. It is the bear itself that is the effective
component, not the colour.

Studies have shown that it is the cuteness and apparent attentiveness of
the bear that affects change in a person's health status. Cuteness
depends on how well-loved a bear appears, roundness of features, and
amount of fat the bear possesses. Bears that look too new (e.g. like
they have never been touched) or too worn (e.g. they have bits and
pieces missing) are not considered as cute as bears that look like
they've been slept on for a few years, and still have all of their vital
organs (e.g. nose and eyeballs). Round and chubby features are best, but
if the bear is too round it can be mistaken for a ball which then
renders its health effect nil.

Apparent attentiveness is an important feature, because human owners
(also known as parents) of the bears tend to find comfort in the fact
that their bears are listening to them. That is what helps the human to
feel like their health is improving - the attention factor. Thus, if you
have a bear that can't sit up or is always looking at something else
when you're talking to them, you should find a new bear. The best teddy
bears are modeled after wild bears, with the same shape and perky ears.
These teddy bears can sit on their bums and look you straight in the eye
while you complain about how life sucks, and their round, chubby faces
deliver compassion and empathy. However, as these types of teddy bears
are quite small compared to wild bears, they are sometimes mistaken for
pigs, especially if they are pink in colour. One should be careful to
shield these bears from hearing such comments, as they then become angry
and resentful, which decreases their ability to improve your health
condition.

Teddy bears are the best companions to have because they provide help in
a wide range of areas. They aren't only good for sleeping and cuddling,
which is what most people think. They have also been known to help
students prepare for speeches, throw surprise birthday celebrations,
provide therapy, and dispose of leftover honey. And, despite working so
hard, teddy bears don't need regular baths. Actually, they don't need
baths at all! You should never wash your teddy bear, as washing also
decreases their healing potential. This is a fact.

In recent years, imposters such as teddy ducks, teddy dogs, teddy cats,
and even teddy cows have made an appearance. Don't be fooled, as these
charlatans cannot heal the way teddy bears can. If you want to improve
your health, teddy bears are the genuine article. If you REALLY want to
improve your health, you should leave some cookies out for your teddy
bears. Scientists are not sure how or why this works, but it does.