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And it came to pass
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham.
And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.
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**
Ireland declares war on France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his
office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!"
a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at
the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring war on
you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed
important news! How big is your army?""Right now,"
says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is
myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus,
and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes
eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr.
Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us
some infantry equipment!""And what equipment would that
be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines,
a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I
have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers.
Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last
spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have
to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr.
Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in
the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have
joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100
bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are
surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my
army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says
Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o'
the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you
that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am
sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few
pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no way we
can feed 200,000 prisoners."
**
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A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares:
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer
Them
instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!
(scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?
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Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his
place,
you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, and then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000and add 40to it. Now add another 1000Now add 30
Add another 1000Now add 20Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?
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Did you get5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nine, 3. Nina,
4. Nona. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
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Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn’t.
Her name is Mary.Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
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He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple....
KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE
"What the mind of the man can concieve or believe - the mind of the man can and will achieve"
Warmest Wishes
Robbie Elliott
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