Welcome to this year's civil service entrance exam. I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and a desk so obviously you've got what it takes to be civil servants.

Should you pass this exam and become a member of the civil service, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including: an early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work; flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work plus free use of government stationery this has been facilitated by the introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building.

We must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assign to the diplomatic corp regardless of whether they fail the intelligence test. SPECIALLY if they fail the intelligence test.

MULTIPLE CHOICE:

1. If you are about to take your lunchbreak and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:
a. Can I help you, madam?
b. Can I help you, miss?
c. What can I do you for, mate?
d. How's tricks, doll-face?

The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunchbreak, you shouldn't talk to her at all.

2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realise that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say:

a. We are looking into the matter
b. Can I get back to you on this one?
c. The matters have been referred to another committee
d. I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.

The correct answer is that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension.

SPELLING:
1. Spell the following words:

a. Tea
b. Sickie
c. Lunchbreak
d. Go-slow


MATHEMATICS:
Please answer the following questions in the spaces provided on your answer sheet.

1. If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30pm how long have you had for lunch? The answer of course, is half an hour.

2. If one public servant takes 3 hours to process a 321/L3/MX1 form how long would it take two public servants to process the same form? The answer is, of course, is four hours.

For those of you who failed the maths test, you may still be eligible to become Mr McCreevey's tax policy adviser.

This is the end of the examination. Please sign your exam paper illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you have ever seen or heard anything about it.

Department of the Environment and Local Government