Hi Folks,
Even though I haven't had a lot of response to my feeble attempts at humor so far, I thought I'd give it one more try.
How about some Good Clean Church Humor, you know, the kind you can even tell your Pastor.
Cheap At Twice
The Price
A man and his young son went to church, and when they came out the father was complaining that the service was too long, the preacher was no good, and the singing was off-key.
Finally the little boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."
__________
Good News / Bad News
For A Pastor
Good News: The women's group voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The pastor-parish relations committee accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it that they asked the bishop to send a new minister capable of filling the position.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of the parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your community.
Bad News: He has been appointed as your conference bishop.
Good News: The youth of the church came to your house for a visit.
Bad News: It was in the middle of the night and they were armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.
__________
Where Have You Been?
Eve Asks Adam
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
__________
Some Pastor's Bloopers
We've all had them, here are a few samples of possibilities.
A lawyer-preacher leading a prayer before the service, made routine opening remarks. As he started on a special plea, he began, "Your Honor," instead of "Dear God."
I was trying to make a point that lack of communication is the major cause of divorce, but somehow things got mixed up and I said ‘marriage’ was the main cause of divorce.
Preaching from:
Matthew 5: "A hill set on a city cannot be hid."
Matthew 12: "as Jonah was in the welly of the bell."
Matthew 2: "they offered unto him gifts, gold, and Frankenstien."
During a Confirmation service, referring to the new converts, the pastor asked the 5 new "convicts" to come to the front of the church. He never knew what he said, but several people had to leave the building because they were laughing so hard.
As I awoke during a sermon the pastor said, "Where the scriptures speak, we speak. Where the scriptures are silent, we sleep."
While studying the intricate dress of the priests in the Old Testament, the preacher came to the part that describes how the priests put bells on the bottom of their robes. He asked, "Why do you suppose the priests had to tinkle." After a second of silence, the class broke up with laughter.
__________
Messages From Actual Signs
Seen On Church Properties"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons - come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
__________
And finally, one of my favorites...
God's Road Sign
Have A Great Weekend,
Phil