RESOLUTION #1:

2004: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2005: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2006: I will read 5 books a year.
2007: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2008: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2009: I will read at least one article this year.
2010: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

2004: I will get my weight down below 180.
2005: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2006: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2007: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2008: I will work out 5 days a week.
2009: I will work out 3 days a week.
2010: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

2004: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2005: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2006: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2007: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2008.
2008: I will be totally out of debt by 2009.
2009: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2010.
2010: I will try to be out of the country by 2011.

RESOLUTION #4:

2004: I will not let my boss push me around.
2006: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2008: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2010: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.


RESOLUTION #5:

2004: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2006: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2008: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2010: I will not miss any AA Meetings.

RESOLUTION #6:

2004: I will see my dentist this year.
2006: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2008: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2010: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #7:

2004: I will go to church every Sunday.
2006: I will go to church as often as possible.
2008: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2010: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Spending more time with family:
Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother's mother-in-law. "Now I can't make up my mind whether he's my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother, "or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece."

Getting in shape:
A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner's euphoria" was. "Runner's euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."

Starting that diet:
My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Good!" I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Great!" she replied. "I'll ride with you."

Quitting smoking:
I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to "be cool."

As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, "Hey, I'll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?"

Eating healthier:
The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!' " she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it."

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"

Reducing your debt:
Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

Learning new things:
I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter. Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, "For the show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?"

Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, "What's the difference?"

Better teeth care:
Just because one owns a business doesn't mean it has to be all business. This sign in a dentist's office proves that point: "Be True to Your Teeth, or They Will Be False to You."

Becoming more organized:
My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

Drinking less
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."

Ponderings for the New Year

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?