Here is guidance to help you all to stay politically correct YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED UK Equalities Commission / HSE guidance on 'festive' songs
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you…
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, owing to risk of allergy to animal fur and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note: only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way…
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for travelling members of the public. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around.
The Union of Shepherds has complained that to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without the provision of appropriate seating arrangements breaches Health and Safety Regulations. Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are therefore now available. Shepherds have also requested that owing to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally-heated shepherd observation huts.
The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load…
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines regarding the load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. The guidelines include advice about the frequency of donkey feeding and the number of rest breaks required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that owing to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of airborne particles.
The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer to be called ‘Mr. Donkey’. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star…
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable, as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc., frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate in view of the potential risk of allergic reactions to oils and fragrances. A suggested gift alternative would be a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name, or perhaps a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption.
Please note: as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr. Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable owing to the likelihood of dust from the camels’ hooves.
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw him,
You would even say it glows...
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comments regarding the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R. Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory, and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
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