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TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington,
D.C.
Dear Sir,
My friend, Buba Peterson, over at Alexandria, LA,
received a check for $1,000 from the government for not
raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising
hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the
best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the
best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure
that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I
will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be
in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future
of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty
years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422
in 1968, until this year when he got your check for
$1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get
$2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a
small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000
hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the
first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will
not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you
also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I
qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn
not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows"
business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I
will be totally unemployed and plan to file for
unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my
vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Mr. Smith
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to
distribute more free cheese.
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