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History Lesson
History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was
40,000 years
ago.)
Humans existed as members of small bands of
nomadic
hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains
during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster
in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were
the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was
invented to get man
to the beer.
These were the foundations of modern
civilization and,
together, were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two
distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that
was the
beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminum can was
invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were
sitting
around waiting for them to be invented, they just
stayed close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals
to barbeque at
night while they were drinking beer.
This was the
beginning of what is
known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
learned to live
off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly
barbeques and doing
the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually
evolved into
women.
The rest became known as girlymen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the
concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and
beer that
Conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by
the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(&
foo foo
coffee), but most prefer white wine or imported,
bottled water. They
eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi,
tofu, and French
food are standard Liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of
their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social
workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group
therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule
because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat
and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors,
police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots,
athletes and
generally anyone who works productively outside
government.
Conservatives who own companies hire other
Conservatives who want to
work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
"govern" the
producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is
why most of the
Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were
coming to America.
They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created
a business of
trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should
be noted that a
Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to
the above
instead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding
it.
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