|
Dear American liberals, leftists, social
progressives, socialists, Marxists, Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest
election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated
each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this
relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot
and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end it on friendly
terms. We can smile, slate it up to irreconcilable differences, and go on our
own ways.
Here is a model dissolution agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each
taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides
can come to a friendly agreement.
After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives
can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and
disparate tastes. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You
are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops,
the NRA and the military. You can keep
Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie
O'Donnell (you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle
big enough to move them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can
have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep
the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's, and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles
and give you NBC and Hollywood
.
You can make nice with Iran
, Palestine , and France
and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You
can have the peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or way of life are
under assault, we'll provide them job security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism,
and Shirley McClain. You can have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the
bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can
take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors (that
is practicing, Howard Dean)
who will follow to your turf (sic). We'll continue to believe healthcare is a
luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic
and The National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing,
Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty its
best shot.
Since it often so offends you we'll
keep our History, our Name, and our Flag.
Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other likeminded
patriots and if you do not agree just hit delete and hang on.
In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you on who will need whose help in
15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Please take Barbra Streisand too.
|