Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
 
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care. 
 
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
 
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
 
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
 
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
 
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
 
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
 
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
 
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
 
Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
 
Skinny people irritate me!  Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ..... Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have NEVER forgotten to eat.  You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
 
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
 
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?  

That's my idea of a perfect day!