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IF GOD WERE A PROGRAMMER
If you imagine God as a computer programmer, some important theological questions are answered.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack senseless features onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.
Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but doubt that it will ever be implemented.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.
Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question. Abort, Retry, Fail?
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