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In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior
church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible,
compiled from their essays:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one,"
but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give
me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and
Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the
Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was
Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange
for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's
people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel
Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten
Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet
your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm
not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about
the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor they father
and they mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very
wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then
barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem
in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is
always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn" It would
be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.")
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst
one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He
went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
God Bless!
Marion
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