Here's another great nugget of entertainment you all might enjoy. I was in Air Force basic training for a few weeks. The first day I got there, all the new trainees had to stand in two lines. The guy I was standing next to looked nervous enough, but what was about to happen next would only increase his anxiety. A fat, gray pigeon landed right on this guy's right shoulder. The bird must've thought this guy was a statue, because the next thing it did was make a white, pasty turd right on his shoulder. I watched the whole thing, and I was the only one who found the need the let out a nice loud "HA!" Now this guy is not only nervous, but now has a white bird chunk dripping down his shirt. It was gonna be a long night...
Recently I was on an airplane going from Detroit, Michigan to San Antonio, Texas. Now I can be a moderately gassy person, but this particular day my bowels were mixin' up a perfect storm. As I found my seat on the plane, I noticed an old Texan walking down the aisle as he tried to find his. How do I know he was a Texan? That part is coming up. The plane was in the air for a good twenty minutes when all of the sudden, without warning, my back side turned the valve to my gas chamber. That means I farted. Luckily for me, it was a silent spurt that no one, not even myself, could hear. Unfortunately for the Texan, who was sitting behind me with the air next to the light blowing in his face, it was going to be a bad thirty seconds. The next thing I hear shortly after I released the noxious cloud was "Craps all mighty, what the h*ll is that?! I think I'm gonna throw up!" Only a Texan would say something that hilarious and loud in that situation on an airplane with dozens of other passengers sitting there. And the air next to the light that was blowing in his face could have, I imagine, amplified the smell even more. I think he discovered I was the farter when I started laughing hysterically at what had just been said. That, in my opinion, was the greatest flight ever.
You know, that wasn't the only dumb thing to happen on that plane. My whole flight was one big blunder after another. I'm like a magnet for stupid! For instance, after I drank the Sprite the flight attendant gave me, I fell asleep. I forgot to turn my tray to it's upright position, so when I leaned forward during my snooze, I bonked my head on it. I woke up immediately, but I didn't say "Ow" or something like that. Instead I gave a little whimper, kind of like what a dog would do if you give him a smack on the nose with a news paper. It couldn't have been less masculine. The lady across the aisle from me gave me a look like she thought I was about to cry. It was the kind of look that said "Awww, you want me to buy you a candy bar, little fella?" I felt like such a punk.
If you've liked the Texan story, you'll LOVE this. I hope I spelled the subject correctly, but in case I didn't, I'll tell you that the person I'm talking about is from Hawaii. This is when I was, yet again, in Air Force basic training. I slept in a bed next to this guy from Hawaii. He was a nice guy, but when it was sleepy time, his inner beast awoke. This guy had sleep apnea, so whenever he took a snooze, he would snore very, very loudly. Well one night, a couple of the other guys had decided they've had enough of this guy's snoring, so they thought waking him up would quiet him down. A good plan, but it was easier said than done. Their first plan of action was to yell "Hey, dude, shut up" When that didn't work, they yelled louder. Still asleep. It was time to take it up a notch. They resorted to throwing rolled up socks at him. Nothing. They were losing their patience and their hope for a good night sleep. When they were just about to give up, one of them noticed that the Hawaiian's mouth was opened. The idea that popped into his head at that moment may shock you. He decided to put that idea into motion. He walked up to the sleeping islander, bent over, and farted into his gapping maw. Not just once, mind you, but twice. They weren't silent sneakers either. These were bordering on solid mass, megaphone farts. And wouldn't you guess it, he still didn't wake up. But remember who had the bed right next to him? Yours truly of course. As punishment for not smelling poo the whole night, I smelled poo the rest of the night. I wonder what that guy's breakfast tasted like the next morning?
Here's a story everyone will have a tee hee about. It dates back to my last night in Air Force basic training. Me and my fellow trainees were up in our dorm, just hangin' out and talking, when the intercom tells us and the dorm across the hall from us to "Get down stairs RIGHT NOW!" All of us already knew what this was about. Moments before that announcement, four trainees from another dorm came up saying they were lookin' for a guy they claimed to have pissed in one of the phone booths. We told him he wasn't in our dorm. Thank God he wasn't. When we all scrambled down stairs and onto the patio, two training instructors, or T.I.s for short, were ready to give someone the business. They said that someone had indeed soaked the phone booth with their urine. Really? I know military life is tough, but come on. A phone booth, can you imagine? The T.I. said it was one of the trainees from either dorm A-10 (my dorm) or dorm A-9. There were witnesses at the scene of the peeing that were certain they had seen this creepy guy from A-9 do it. Of course he denied it - at first. Then he incriminated himself by asking "What's gonna happen to me?" Yeah, because saying something like that means you're totally innocent. This creep had deviant written all over his face. Who knows what else he did to that phone booth? Who knows what else is in phone booths all across America? If ever there was a reason to get a cell phone, this would be it.