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SQUARE PEGS
Posted: Aug 07 2008 06:42 PM |
   Hi, Everyone!
I would love to share this great Article with all of you and I hope you enjoy reading it. I Love All Of You and God Bless All Of You!
Love,
Shirley Ruth Caron
WELCOME TO: "SQUARE PEGS" - It's never easy being different - especially in Middle School. If your Child is having problems fitting in, there are ways you can help him navigate these tricky times.
Recently, a Gym Buddy was recounting something she'd observed at our Local Rec Center. "I peeked into the Basketball Court," she said, "and saw what had to be the geekiest group of Boys playing Dodgeball. They were like those misfits in the movie Dodgeball. But they were having a blast."
I mumbled something about there being a place for just about everybody, then beelined home to see if the team might have a spot for Jake*, my 12-year-old Son. You see, "fitting in" has never been his forte. He's a Sixth-grader who loves Ancient Roman History, Hates Small Talk, Reads Restaurant Guides and wouldn't break a rule at School if his life depended on it. From an objective perch, Jake may sound bravely independent, even endearing. And he is. But being different can be one tough road to travel on.
It's bumpy in Preschool. It's tough in Elementary School. Yet nothing quite compares to the special minefield that is Middle School. It's just about the only time in life that being different is truly a bad thing, says Richard Lavoie, author of It's So Much Work to Be Your Friend (Touchstone). "Adults appreciate things that are different. Little Kids love things that are different. Even High Schoolers become more openminded as they develop self-confidence," he says. "But Middle Schoolers draw boxes. And if you don't fit inside that box, you're rejected.
So as other Tweens strive to comform-Text Messaging, Gossiping, Flirting, Shopping at Hollister, Pitching Baseballs-the quirky Kid ends up alone at the lunch table, flipping through his latest issue of Sky & Telescope Magazine. Or worse, "Bullying peaks in Middle School.
And the reason Bullies single out their Victims is because they consider them odd in some way," says Dorothy Espelage, Ph.D., professor of educational psychology at the University of Illinois at Urband-Champaign.
When Kids are young, Parents can be managers of their Child's Social Life by wrangling playdates.
By Middle School, however, most Kids take charge of their friendships. And even offbeat Kids, as I learned firsthand, start resisting Parental Involvement. When Jake hit Sixth Grade I constantly pestered him to call his new classmates. I talked up School Dances. I prodded him to join the student council. After countless "No ways!" Shoulder Shrugs, Eye Rolling and Door Slamming, I finally began to accept that I couldn't force Jake to be-or become-someone he wasn't.
It's a key first step for every Parent of an Adolescent who doesn't fit the so-called Normal Mold: Making Peace with the Fact That You Can't-and Shouldn't-Make Him Do So. Of course, this doesn't mean letting him flounder either. "Your job is to identify your Child's strengths and encourage them, even if they are different from what you'd imagined or dreamed they would be," says Michele Borba, author of Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me (Jossey-Bass). That may very well mean giving up hopes of your Son Playing Basketball and Nurturing his Passion for Chess. In short, we have to get over ourselves and what we want and put our Kids' needs first. The same holds true for friendships. many Healthy Children, especially during the turbulent years of Middle School, are fine with having just one friend. "If your Child seems happy with that arrangement, encourage the relationship she has and respect the fact the her needs may be very different from yours," says Lavoie.
That said, many Kids do become isolated in Middle School and often hide that pain-even from us, their Parents. "Some Kids are afraid to tell their Parents they are unpopular or being made fun of," says Perri Klass, M.D., coauthor with Eileen Costello, M.D., of Quirkey Kids (Random House). If you suspect there might be a problem, Klass suggests approaching the issue from a less personal angle-for example, Talking about Social Exclusion in general or How almost everybody gets teased in Middle School at some point. You might even share your own memories. "It can be a hug revelation to your Child that he's not the first one who's feeling excluded or lonely. And he may feel more comfortable opening up to you," says Klass.
Once a dialogue is started, there are numerous ways Parents can help their Middle Schoolers carve a happier, more comfortable place for themselves.
"You have to stop being their teacher and start being a Coach," says Lavoie.
'A Coach never goes out on the field. A Coach stands on the sidelines, gives encouragement, corrects when something is done wrong and praises when something is done right." And, perhaps most important, a Coach never lets himself or his Child forget which team always has his unconditional support.
Here are some other things you can do to smooth the way for your Child so he'll be more accepted while remaining true to his Unique Self.
1. HELP YOUR CHILD SHINE.
Thinking back to that Rec Center Dodgeball Game, those Boys-like my Jake-adored playing and weren't bad at it either. They might not have been part of the "in Crowd," but on the Court they felt like Rock Stars. Finding opportunities like this-where a Child's Unique Interests or Talents give him a Sense of Status, Belonging and Self-confidence-is key. Unfortunately, it takes extra footwork, since Middle School-sponsored Extracurriculars are often limited to Mainstream Sports and Activities. "It's a big reason why Quirky Kids are happier when they get to High School. They can usually finally find a community-like an a Cappella Group, Comic Club or Debate Team-to belong to," says David A. Kinney, Ph.D., professor of Sociology at Central Michigan University in Mount Pleasant.
Still, don't underestimate what you can get the School to do for you. While starting up a fencing team might demand a ton of time and funding, Organizing a current events or magic club requires little more than finding an interested teacher willing to run it. "suggest scheduling it during lunch period, since it's an unstructured time when some kids often feel at loose ends. It's also cheaper and easier for the School, since staff is already on hand and potentially available," says Jed Baker, Ph.D., director of the Social Skills Training Project in Maplewood, New Jersey.
You can also seek out activities for your Child at Community Centers, Church and on the Internet. "Many times Parents will think they are the only ones on the planet whose Child has an interest in the Peloponnesian War, but with a little investigating you will probably find others," says Lavoie.
What if your Child's special interest or talent isn't obvious? "Tune in a little better," says Borba. "check her room for clues-what are the posters on her wall about? Has she been drawing or doodling? Talk to teachers-one might identify a strength you're not aware of."
Encouraging words from a Middle School teacher gave Eve Becker-Doyle of Dallas an idea for a path to pursue with her Son Evan.
"She wrote a note saying that seldom did she come across a student who had the talent for writing that he had," says Beckler-Doyle of Dallas an idea for a path to pursue with her Son Even. She and her Son eventually wrote a book together (Evan Brain! Adventures of a Delusional Kid Superhero; evanbrain.com) about what it's like to be a Kid-and the Parent of a Kid-who sees the world differently.
2. IDENTIFY AND ADDRESS ANY PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIORS.
Even if you've found the perfect 4-H Chapter for your Daughter, she'll still need to somewhat conform in school to make those hours bearable. Aggressively pressuring her to act a certain way will probably make her more insecure. "But if she tells you she's being picked on or wants to fit in better, you might then be able to gently provide some suggestions," says Klass. A Daughter who is desperately Text Messaging a popular Girl numerous times daily has to be told that her behavior is inappropriate. If she's being teased abut always wearing the same Purple Sweatshirt, offer to go to the mall with her to see what other Kids are wearing. A new outfit won't of course, spell instant popularity, but it might help make your Child less of a target, says Klass. Same goes for Good Hygiene-things like Greasy Hair, Body Odor and Dirty Clothes provide ample teasing territory, according to Ellen Korin, a life skills coach for Teenagers and Adults and an adjunct professor at Antioch University New England in Keene, New Hampshire.
3. MAKE SURE HE'S PROTECTED.
Fitting in at School might be a goal for some Kids, but feeling safe is a Right for everyone.
"One of the most important things we can do is be vocal if our Child is being teased or bullied," says Baker. "It is not the Child's responsibility to stop Kids from teasing him. It is the teachers' and the administration's job." If despite your efforts your Child continues to be harassed, you may want to consider changing Schools. But even if a Child isn't being overly bullied or teased, School can be a lonely time.
"Help him find one adult-it could be a Teacher or a Guidance Counselor-whom he can check in with during the day. It can be enormously comforting," says Costello.
4. GET SOME ASSISTANCE.
If your Child seems depressed, desperate or is leading you to believe she might harm herself-or you suspect there's an underlying issue like a Learning Disability-seek out Professional Help. But things needn't be so dire to enlist outside support. Simply having an "objective" Adult to confide in can be an enormous relief for Adolescents. A growing number of Therapists and even Schools offer Social-Skills Groups. My Son attends a Club spcifically designed for Middle School Boys. Each week this gangly bunch of guys get together with two laid-back leaders and hashes out how to deal with Annoying Teachers, What to do about Bullies and Why it might someday be interesting to flirt with a Girl. Even better, they've become friends.
Remember, Middle School is often an absolutely miserable place for some. Raging Hormones, Social Upheavals and the 24/7 Job of Avoiding Embarrassment at all costs make even well-adjusted Kids uncomfortable in their own skin. The good news is that as Kids mellow out and become more confident, they start showing greater tolerance and, yes, even greater interest in People who are different.
But even more important, do we really want our Children to be just like everyone else? "some of the greatest contributors to our society have been Quirky People," says Baker. "Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg-they didn't fit any mode. And we think of them as extraordinary individuals." Certainly I want Jake to be his own person. But I also want him to be appreciated-instead of ostracized-for what makes him unique. I believe it will happen. In the meantime, as Parents we have to be courageous enough to celebrate our kids and show them we accept and love them, Quirks and all. And, eventually, so will the rest of the World.
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Shirley Caron
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