OK so I will start with this one I received via a friend today:

AGE

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog
sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Sue

Happened to me back in 1997 going to Florida from Pennsylvania:

If anyone has done any long drives on vacation would soon remember, how many times we may be driving for a very long time and we tend to either slow down or speed up.

I was already on the road for about 9 hours, after working a double shift.I was in Virginia when I kept noticing that I was speeding down I 79 ..... Near Berkley.......

I noticed behind me a cop car with its lights on, I sped up more! I saw the cop car getting closer so again I sped up more! After a while the cop car seemed to lag behind me, so I slowed down a bit, figuring they just got a call to go catch a speeder.

After about 1 hour I noticed the cop car was still behind me, siren blaring loudly. I sped up again, I was only going 85 mph...... Not bad for me any ways.

But I was so dang tired of driving I decided to pull off the road at a section used by road construction crews. The cop car pulled in behind me and the cop gets out walks up to my side of car.

Bangs their night stick on window....

After rolling down window the officer who was a guy thank god.... said to me:

If I can give him a good reason why I wouldn't pull over for the last hour he will not write me a ticket, just give me a warning......

I thought for a few seconds and said to the cop.

Ossifer, I am recently divorced...

My now ex-wife ran off with a ossifer which looked like him!

And I was just trying to get away from you because I thought you

were going to give her back!!!!!!!!

Cop laughed so hard he forgot the warning and he didn't write me a ticket.

I saw the cop again about another 1 1/2 hours down the road when I stopped for coffee. He was telling his other cop friends about what had happened  up the road a ways. He saw me told his friends I was the guy.

They bought me breakfast.........

And who says lieing to a cop doesn't pay??????????

 

LMAO - very funny....

Got any more stories or jokes?

Sue

Sue:

Not a joke but I do have a test I want everyone to try......

Now who says an old man is not smart?

Now I suggest that everyone grab a pencil and piece of paper.

Follow this test exactly as you see here.

Now before we go to far, Let me explain that I already have an answer so to proove my point you will see the first number of the answer at the end of the test. To find out what if I know what the other numbers are you have to take the test.

1.) Write a number down on paper.

2.) Multiply this number by 2

3.) Add 4,698 to your answer

4.) Divide your next answer by 2

5.) Take the first number you wrote down and subtract it from the last answer.

Now the first number of your final answer will begin with the number 2.

If everyone that has taken this test replies back to this thread, I will tell you all what the answer is.

Please do not tell me the answer, I will guess it for you.

 

Robert

Hi everyone,

Robert, I will get to your number game a bit later I hope but just wanted to post this joke I got sent today AND to ask you all:...

I have another longer one, which how can I put this - is very funny - BUT all you guys in the US could be offended by it - it is sooooo "British Sense of Humour" and I reckon my regulars here will see it for what it is and find it funny/amusing (because I feel I know you all a bit better now from the "Person Below me Game").

Now if you give me permission to post the second joke, I then give you permission to post any jokes that take the Mickey out of us Brits (we actually like that anyway, well most of us do LOL) so I feel that will be a fair exchange then..

So the title of the second joke is:

"Britain is Repossessing the USA" to give you some kind of idea what it might be like... so let me know on that one.
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OK Joke for now is: