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"How Avoid the 5 Most Common Heart-Breaking, Intimacy -Destroying And Relationship-Wrecking Communication Mistakes"

Mistake #3, Message Assuming

In the previous two articles, we discussed the first two of the 5 most Common Relationship Communication Mistakes: Case Building and Story Telling. The first choice we are faced with in communication happens so fast... we don't even know we are making a choice. But Forrest Lamp Youth Jersey , here it is, deciding whether we want to build a case against somebody, or build a connection with them.

The second mistake is Story Telling. This is when we tell ourselves a story about an some thing that happened (without checking the facts) -- and the believe it. We see our lover come to bed with flannel pajamas on, decide that that's the end of our sex life and no longer find us attractive, and then begin pouting about it. We believe our own story about the other person Dan Feeney Youth Jersey , forgetting the fact that it just snowed for the first time today and winter has set in.

The third mistake is Message Assuming. There are two sides to this mistake. The first side is we assume we actually understand what the person is saying in the way that we intended. The second side is assuming that the person we are talking to... actually understands our message in the way that we intended.

If I talk about a desk to a student of mine, they may associate the word with the place where they are held captive six hours a day. To me it is the place where great thoughts and ideas come to life. So, just the one little word 'desk' can evoke a tremendously different emotional response in two different people.

Then imagine trying to have a complete conversation with hundreds of words. Really, it's a wonder that our communication ever succeeds at all.

So what can we do to avoid misunderstanding? We can ask the other person to repeat what they understood. That way we can hear from them directly what's going on in their mind.

The communication method of nonviolent communication has four distinct steps that help avoid misunderstanding: state the observation, say how it makes you feel Mike Williams Youth Jersey , say what need of yours it meets or doesn't meet, then make a request. The most useful request to make is to ask, "Would you be willing to tell me what your heard me say?"

I watched Paul teach the Language of Peace in the Jefferson County jail one day. He role-played a situation with a woman, whom I will call Cecilia,
who was very upset with her 'cell-y' or cell mate. The cell mate was touching and moving Cecilia's things which offended her.

Paul was role playing Cecilia and Cecilia was playing the cell mate. Paul Jahleel Addae Youth Jersey , as Cecilia, said, "When you move my things I feel very frightened because I have a need for autonomy for me and safety for my things. Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?"

"Yeah, you said I'm an asshole for touching your things."

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