The House Oversight Committee, the Senate Intelligence Committee, and the Senate Judiciary Committee have all requested access to the memos of James Comey, the former F.B.I. director. Here are excerpts from those documents:

Betsy DeVos stopped by and said she was having everyone in the office sign Earth’s birthday card. “Happy Earth Day!” it said. “You don’t look a day over six thousand.”

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Met with Trump today. At the end of our meeting, he tried to give me a beaded friendship bracelet he said he made at Camp David. Upon closer examination, I realized that the beads spelled out “Loyal 2 Trump 4 Eva.” Politely refused.

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Caught the guys having a limbo party without me again. They say it’s because I’m too tall, but it’s hard not to take personally. Although, probably also true that they didn’t invite me to shoot hoops with them because I’m “so good, it almost wouldn’t be fair.”

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Someone lit a bag of feces on fire and left it outside my office door. Started to wonder who put it there but then noticed the “Onward Together” sticker.

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Jeff Sessions accidentally called me “Dad” in a meeting again. It was embarrassing, but not as bad as the time we were in the cafeteria and he stuck his arms in the air and demanded, “Up.”

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Trump tried to give me a vase of flowers with a planted microphone—fifth time this month. He might have gotten away with it if the arrangement hadn’t just been a single microphone sticking out of a vase.

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Podcast idea: “Comey and the Homies.” Just me and the boys, shootin’ the ****. Our conversations are always so crazy random!

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Walking down the hall today, I heard a strange sound coming from a closet. Cracked open the door and found Jeff Sessions furiously working straw through a spinning wheel. Could have misheard, but I swear he was whispering, “It must look like it grew from his head.”

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Security briefing with Trump. Near the end he pretended to yawn and, while doing an exaggerated stretch, tried to casually drop a Talkboy onto the desk behind him. When confronted, he initially denied it, but when I suggested that maybe he’d done it because he’d never had a cameo in a “Home Alone” movie, he readily admitted it, along with a bunch of other stuff I wasn’t even asking about, and then made me watch the clip of him in “Home Alone 2” seven times.

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Someone needs to get Sessions a stool. I’m the director of the F.B.I., not of getting cookies down from the top shelf.

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Dinner with Trump earlier this evening. When he finished his second slice of cake, he tried to make me sign the “bill,” which was a regular-sized piece of paper he was mostly obscuring with his forearm. I immediately became suspicious. “Just sign right on the bottom,” he said. “It’s not like it’s a binding contract swearing that you’ll be loyal to me forever.” I didn’t sign but somehow still got stuck paying.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/whats-in-james-comeys-memos