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Phillip Black

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Don't Ever Try This At Home!
10/12/2015 2:36:26 PM
Hello Friends,

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:

  • a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
  • a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
  • a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
  • Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three-second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

  • My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
  • The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
  • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
  • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
  • I had no control over the drooling.
  • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
  • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!


Have A Magnificent Monday,

Phil


“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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Myrna Ferguson

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RE: Don't Ever Try This At Home!
10/12/2015 3:43:14 PM
Hi Phil,
I have read this one before, but you know it is just as funny the second, third time too.
Thanks for the tear laugh, it made my day.

LOVE IS THE ANSWER
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Phillip Black

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RE: Don't Ever Try This At Home!
10/12/2015 4:13:52 PM
Hi Myrna,

Glad that you enjoyed this little funny story. Whenever I saw this, I just had to share it. Actually, I once tried something quite similar, except that I did have enough good sense not to ZAP myself. I had a good friend do it for me! You see, I was a "little bit" hard headed back then, and I just had to know ahead of time if it really worked as advertised. Believe me, it does. My ears kept ringing for several hours after I was able to get up again.

By the way, a Bullet Proof Vest will also stop a .38 Caliber Slug, once more, as advertised, but it leaves one heck of a bruise!

The Senior Citizen in the following little story has found a much better way to pass the time. Safer too! Hope that y'all enjoy it.

Perfect Par

A retired gentleman spent most afternoons at the local golf
course. Every day he would spend about 3 hours out on the
course, playing a round by himself. When he would return to
the club house, the resident pro would inquire about his
score.
 
"Ed, how'd you shoot today?," to which the man would
*always* reply, "Another perfect par."
 
The golf pro (being of average intelligence) knew that there
was no way the old man was shooting straight par every day,
but since he was a regular customer, he didn't want to
insult the man by accusing him of lying.
 
Finally, one day, the pro decided to accompany the old man
on his daily round, just to see for himself. On the first
tee, the older gentleman sliced the ball way off into the
rough. He found his ball, but his second shot was even
worse. Finally putting it into the first hole (a par 4) took
him 8 swings. The golf pro thought to himself "I knew it.
This old geezer's been lying all this time. There s no way
he is gonna shoot anywhere near par."
 
They continued on, and the old man's game stayed the same,
never once getting a par on any one hole. After almost 3
hours, they teed off on the 13th hole. The old man actually
hit it straight down the middle - It was the best shot he
had made all day! He promptly walked down the fairway to his
ball, picked it up, and began walking back to the clubhouse.
 
The pro was confused. "Hey, that was a great shot. Where are
you going now?"
 
"Oh, I'm done." the old man replied with a smile, "That shot
was number 72 ...another perfect par!"

Y'all be safe out there now!


Have A Great Week My Friend,

Phil
“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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Myrna Ferguson

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RE: Don't Ever Try This At Home!
10/12/2015 6:28:05 PM
Oh my gosh Phil,

I think my question would be, What didn't you try and how old were before you woke up? lol too funny.


LOVE IS THE ANSWER
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Phillip Black

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RE: Don't Ever Try This At Home!
10/12/2015 8:46:26 PM
Hi Myrna,

The only thing that I've always wanted to do and never have been able to try is Skydiving. I once took some lessons over in Burlington, NC, however the Instructor convinced me that I was too heavy and that I would probably damage my legs unless my landing was absolutely perfect. So I applied the remainder of my lessons to Piloting a Glider. Fantastic wind conditions in the Burlington area.


For a list of the Annual Ballooning Activities visit:

http://www.visitalamance.com/event-list/

I've also been lucky enough to go Parasailing at White Lake, NC and Hang Gliding up at Grandfather Mountain here in NC. So I guess I've flown quite enough. Just glad that I was able to do somethings before my Health went completely in the toilet!

As far as how old I was when I grew up, I'm still a work in progress. God's not done with me yet!


Have A Blessed Week My Friend,

Phil
“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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