Hello My Friends,
It's been a while since I have had an active Joke Forum, so let's give it another try. Hope you enjoy it. Please feel free to join in and share, just remember, we have a very diverse group so let's keep it clean and preferably no more than PG rated.
“My memory is gone Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect.”
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“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years.
“Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down.
“Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy.
“Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded.
After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?”
“Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”
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“C’mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought.
“Ok” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?”
“Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained. “OK here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her.
My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type, How is Gertrude doing this morning?
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So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.
A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…
Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…
The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
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After much nagging from his wife, Sam was visiting the audiologist.
Yes, he would need hearing aids and they ranged in price from $10.00 to $2,000, was what he was told.
“I’ll try the $10.00 pair” Sam said.
The nurse placed the hearing aids into his ears and hung a wire around his neck.
“Does the wire really have to be around my neck?” asked Sam.
“Why of course!” replied the nurse. “You think these things in your ears do anything?! It’s the wire around your neck – it makes people talk louder!”
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And finally, one of my personal favorites...
Thinking that the presidential candidate needed to show a more human side of himself, his committee advised him to visit an old age home.
Walking into the room of an old man, with the cameras whirring, the nominee was surprised when the old man offered him some peanuts from a bowl on the table.
“Thank you”, said the nominee after being offered more for the 3rd time, “why don’t you have some yourself?”
“Oh, I can’t eat it” said the old man, “I don’t have any teeth.”
“So why do you have them?” asked the confused nominee.
“Oh, I like the chocolate around it” was the glib reply.
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Have A Happy Evening & Keep Smiling,
Phil