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Phillip Black

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Only In America
8/5/2013 2:13:43 PM

Hello Everyone,

Just a few funny thoughts about life and Politics in America. Hope you all will enjoy them!

Things You'll Find Only In America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

_______________

What Is Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

_______________

Cows & Politics

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

_______________

Rules In Washington

If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

There is always one more son of a ***** than you counted on.

An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Chicken little only has to be right once.

"NO" is only an interim response.

You can't kill a bad idea.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

The truth is a variable.

A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.

You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.

A promise is not a guarantee.

If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

_______________

And finally...

The Conservative & The Genie

A Conservative came upon a Genie and said, "You're a Genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The Genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The Conservative said, "I'm a Conservative. You know that I won't be happy, but I'm willing to share." The Genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every Liberal in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every Liberal in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every Liberal gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

_______________

Have A Wonderful Week My Friends,

Phil

“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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Jo
Jo Matthias

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RE: Only In America
8/5/2013 6:57:40 PM
Thanks Phil, that was really enjoyable!!
VOTE!!!! POTM!!!
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Roger Macdivitt .

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RE: Only In America
8/5/2013 8:07:43 PM

I really loved these.

We are sometimes a little behind the US (or perhaps we hold onto our sanity) but we can list many of these points as true in the UK.

Roger

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Phillip Black

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RE: Only In America
8/5/2013 8:07:51 PM

Hi Jo,

It's great to see you again my Friend. I always enjoying seeing people Smile. Here's a few more one liners as a bonus...

What do you call a group of skydiving politicians?

Skeet.

----

Why don't you ever hear about burglars robbing politicians?

Professional courtesy.

----

What's the difference between a politician and a shopping cart?

A politician holds more liquor.

----

What does a politician use for birth control?

His personality.

----

What's the difference between a good politician and a bad politician?

A headstone.

----

If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?

Yep, that's right...Con-gress!

----

Have A Great Week,

Phil

“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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Phillip Black

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RE: Only In America
8/5/2013 8:54:54 PM

Hi Roger,

So good to hear from you again my good Friend. Hope all is well with you and your family. This one is bit dated, but I thought you might still enjoy it...

Noah Today In Britain

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in England and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing Along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah Weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood Bye-Laws by building the Ark in my Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision. Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm Supposed to hire for my building crew and Immigration are checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They Insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 Years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " Gordon Brown and the Government beat me to it."

--------------------

Just goes to show you. No matter where we're at, we just got to Grin & Bear It!

Have A Good One My Friend,

Phil

“There may be trouble all around, but I am calling you to a place of peace. Be still and know that I am God. Come to Me, and I will give you wisdom, strength, and grace for everything you face." Psalm 46:10
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