Menu



error This forum is not active, and new posts may not be made in it.
Promote
John Leal

552
1107 Posts
1107
Invite Me as a Friend
Person Of The Week
Aussies exposed!
9/10/2008 9:46:51 PM

I'd like to introduce you to our favourite Aussie pastime, taking the piss mickey out of each other. Here is how we see ourselves:

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas, and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody-well like.

We are one nation but divided into many states. First there's Victoria, named after a Queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. It's capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable", at least, that's what they think. The rest of us think it's too bloody cold and wet.

Next there's New South Wales, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly, and millions of dancing queens. It's capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city and is proud of it. It's mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their speedos up their cracks to keep the right and left sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, which has a wood-chip industry and magnificent views, and maps of the state bring smiles to the sternest of faces.

South Australia is a province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix but lost it when the views of the capital, Adelaide, sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving, because if it did all the young men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts, but many of them still work in the Government today.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land, with sheep stations the size of Europe. Kangaroos, jackeroos, emus and Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, very few of us live there, and the rest of us prefer to fly over it on the way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as it is beautiful one day, perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra (national seat). The less said about that, the better.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our newsreaders' can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, horse racing, two up and roo shooting.

Stand proud Aussies, we are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. We also shoot and eat the two animals on our national crest. No other country has that distinction.

 

+0
Thomas Richmond

1637
15469 Posts
15469
Invite Me as a Friend
Top 25 Poster
Person Of The Week
Re: Aussies exposed!
9/10/2008 10:51:43 PM

Greetings John, what a fine post! Well this American Indian/Italian gives you great thanks for sharing with us about your homeland. The only thing i get with your meanings my friend is Shiela's :) that and g-day mate lol   Rugby's fun to watch!

AT YOUR SERVICE. Drop A Line With The Pros!! http://www.goneclicking.com/?rid=7178 http://www.protrafficshop.com/?rid=5719 Chief Administrator & Support
+0
Gerri Decher

947
718 Posts
718
Invite Me as a Friend
Person Of The Week
Re: Aussies exposed!
9/11/2008 4:58:21 AM
Cheeky boy John........now you've let the skeletons out of the cupboard.

http://www.freewebs.com/ausvitality/Clipart/Australiana/aussie%20critters.jpg

Cheers, Gerri






+0
Jen
Jen Maxwell

417
658 Posts
658
Invite Me as a Friend
Person Of The Week
Re: Aussies exposed!
9/11/2008 9:45:33 AM

Hey John,

Thank you for your succinct description of Aussies and Australia!
This is definitely 100% accurate as I discovered when I visited,
and our bus driver kept asking "How many points for this little
old lady" when a little old lady stopped the bus to cross the road.

Are you sure you're not Bill Bryson?  I howled with glee at his
book about his travels in Australia!

Have a wondrous day!

Jen

Award Winning System cancels mortgage and debt interest on steroids! Without paying more each month! "The ultimate ignorance is the rejection of something you know nothing about and refuse to investigate
+0
Gerri Decher

947
718 Posts
718
Invite Me as a Friend
Person Of The Week
Re: Aussies exposed!
9/11/2008 7:19:52 PM

IN THE BEGINNING, THE AUSSIE VERSION

 

 

In the beginning God  created day and night. He created day for footy

matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. 

 

He created night for going prawning, sleeping  and BBQ's, and God

saw that it was good.

 

On the Second  Day, God created water - for surfing swimming and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was  good.

 

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants   to provide malt  and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

 

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for  BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

 

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy,  enjoy the

Beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

 

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

 

On the Seventh Day God looked around at  the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer   cans and the raucous  laughter of all the Blokes.

He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good ... ..

Well. . Almost good.

 

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to

cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.

 

It was better than that, it was Bloomin' Awesome!

 

 

IT  WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

http://www.freewebs.com/ausvitality/Clipart/Australiana/Koala11222.gif Cheers, Gerri


 

+0


facebook
Like us on Facebook!