Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the h*ll is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S
AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS
BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK
MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-Lb woman is starting to look HOT...just
like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP
REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge
# 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN
VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I sh*t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$
with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING
SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge
# 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll
just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S
TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor
feller,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report