Live, Love & Laugh! Forum - Recent Topics Posted @ AdlandPro Community

Re: All Puns Intended

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 02:52:51 GMT

Hi Mary,

Just had to stop back by before Christmas with a few more "Groaners". Some are Jokes, some are Riddles, and some are Puns, but all should be good for a Giggle or Two.

Christmas Puns

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

What does December have that other months don't have?
The letter D.

What is green, covered with tinsel and says, "Rabbit, rabbit?"
A mistle-toad.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas time?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.

What do Christmas trees and bad knitters have in common?
They both drop their needles.

What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis.

What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A pineapple.

How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

Who delivers Christmas presents to little sharks?
Santa Jaws.

What do you call a letter that is sent up the chimney on Christmas eve?
Blackmail.

What's the best present for a train conductor?
Platform shoes.

What is a parent's favorite Christmas carol?
Silent Night.

How to cats greet each other at Christmas time?
A furry merry Christmas & Happy Mew Year.

What song do Santa's reindeer sing on his birthday?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

You better get spruced up if you're going to sell Christmas trees.

What do you get if you cross a setter and a pointer?
A pointsetter.

Santa stores all the presents in the pole vault.

Santa Puns

What language does Santa Claus speak?
North Polish.

Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
The North Pool.

What kind of motorcycle would Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson

What is Santa Claus' favorite cereal?
Frosted Flakes.

What do you call Santa when he goes to the beach?
Sandy Claus.

How do Santa and Mrs. Claus travel?
On an icicle built for two.

Some children call him Santa Caus since there is Noel.

What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a rest from delivering presents?
Santa Pause!

Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be?
A subordinate Claus.

What would Santa's grandfather be called?
Grandfather Claus.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobia !

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho, ho, ho.

When Santa has a barn dance, what does he call it?
A Ho Ho Ho Down.

May this Christmas
find you surrounded by those you love
and those who love you,

and may the Joy and Peace of Christmas be with you now and throughout the New Year,

Phil

Re: All Puns Intended

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 03:58:24 GMT

Hello Phil,
Thank you for the chuckles & the Christmas greeting!

Re: All Puns Intended

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 19:23:40 GMT

Phil, what an excellent compilation of puns, and so timely too! What a hoot!

Re: All Puns Intended

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 03:34:22 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thanks for the Puns. That's the hardest I've laughed so far this week.

In the spirit of the Season, here's a few Christmas Puns that I ran across. I apologize in advance, some are real Groaners, however I just couldn't help myself.

Christmas Puns

A guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

The remaining local ranchers, headed by the cattle baroness Clare D. Looney, eventually monopolized the stock business to the point where the only competition (two Chinese immigrants - Lu Chim and Wu Ni) were forced to take drastic, but traditional action.
The stock kings were hung by Chim & Ni, with Clare.

Along with the three wise men, the shepherds, and the others who showed up at the manger, there was also a fellow on a white charger, wearing a suit of armor. But he didn't have as good a publicity agent as those other guys, so he never got as famous as the others. In fact, only Christmas song celebrates his part in the proceedings, "O Holy Knight."

While Christmas shopping at a local toy store, Barry came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As he scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Wally, waiting with all the others.
Knowing that Wally had no daughters or young relatives, Barry figured that Wally must like the dolls himself.
"Wally, I didn't know you were a collector!"
"I'm not," Wally replied.
"Then why are you standing in this long line?"
"Well, I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was.
It happened again, only louder this time, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark.
"Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time, "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!"
Lights came on all over the neighbourhood, and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper.
"I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward.
So Santa did the only thing he could do...
He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...

One Christmas, Dan and Stan built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Dan to Stan. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

Finally, if you'll give Ol' St. Nick a Click, he and the Reindeer have a Musical Treat for you...

You are special, and you are unique.

May your Christmas be also as special and unique as you are!

Merry Christmas My Dear Friend!

Phil

Re: Seniors - don't mess with them!

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 01:31:32 GMT

Back at ya friend!

Twas the month before Christmas

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 01:17:47 GMT

Twas the month before Christmas*

*When all through our land,*

*Not a Christian was praying*

*Nor taking a stand.*

*See the PC Police had taken away,*

*The reason for Christmas - no one could say.*

*The children were told by their schools not to sing,*

*About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.*

*It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say*

* December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.*

*Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit*

*Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!*

*CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod*

*Something was changing, something quite odd! *

*Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa*

*In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.*

*As Targets were hanging their trees upside down*

* At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.*

*At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears*

*You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.*

*Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty*

*Are words that were used to intimidate me.*

*Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen*

*On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !*

*At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter*

*To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.*

*And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith*

* Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace*

*The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded*

*The reason for the season, stopped before it started.*

*So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'*

*Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.*

*Choose your words carefully, choose what you say*

*Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS ,

Not Happy Holiday !*

Please, all Christians join together and

Wish everyone you meet during the

Holidays a

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Christ is ?The Reason? For the Christ-mas Season!

Re: Seniors - don't mess with them!

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 19:05:51 GMT

Re: All Puns Intended

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 17:22:53 GMT

Hello Sara,

So glad you like them!

Re: All Puns Intended

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 17:18:11 GMT

I hear ya, Lorraine!

Re: Seniors - don't mess with them!

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 15:52:09 GMT

A Retiree's Problem

My Wife said, "Whatcha doin today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "You did that yesterday!"

I said, "I wasn't finished!!!!!!!"